


It All Means "I Love You"

by adelaide_rain



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 21:52:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9847325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adelaide_rain/pseuds/adelaide_rain
Summary: In the quiet after Thessia falls, they find each other.





	

_Smooth_ has never been a word Kaidan would use to describe himself.

More _awkward,_ in a way that comes off as charming on rare occasions. But Shepard, it seems, finds him charming all the time, something that delights Kaidan as much as it surprises him.

Like the _Hey, there you are,_ that painfully awkward flirting from those first few days after Apollo’s, when Kaidan knew what Shepard tasted like but didn’t know all his smiles yet, all his sighs and sadnesses. Shepard found even that charming, so Kaidan kept it up, and it quickly came to mean more, came to mean _I love you_ long before either of them said the words.

_Hey, there you are,_ in Purgatory, with a half-drunk smile as he pulls Shepard close and they dance together, as bad as each other, the only people in each other’s world.

_Hey, there you are,_ in the mess hall, with Allers nearby looking for a scoop and not understanding why that simple greeting made them both grin so wide and so long.

_Hey, there you are,_ one eye opening at the sound of the door as he lies alone in Shepard’s bed, a migraine hammering in his temples. 

And now, after Thessia, stepping into Shepard’s cabin, unsure of his welcome, he sees Shepard huddled in one of the seats, head bowed, face hidden in his hands.

Kaidan hadn’t been planetside with them, but Liara’s shining eyes and the rare white-heat of Shepard’s anger in the debriefing said a lot.

They’ve been together for three months now, or maybe since the day they met, and Kaidan _knows_ Shepard, knows he’s blaming himself. Knows that all the grief and fear and pain that he locks away over Earth, over Ash, over Akuze, is spilling out under the pressure of it, a spiral of vicious recrimination.

"Hey," Kaidan says as he walks down the stairs to Shepard, putting a hand to his shoulder. "There you are."

Shepard doesn’t lift his head, doesn’t speak, just twists and hides his face against Kaidan’s stomach, arms going tightly around his waist - to keep him there, or maybe to keep himself anchored in this sea of grief and guilt.

"I’m so sorry, Shepard," Kaidan says, fingers skimming over the soft fuzziness of Shepard’s buzzcut.

"They- Thessia-" An intake of breath. "I failed." The words are muffled, but the self-hatred, the loss and the pain, are too clear.

"You did all you could."

"It wasn’t enough! I couldn’t-" A shaking breath. "I _failed,_ Kaidan. And so many died, again, because of _me."_

"Shepard," Kaidan murmurs. "I – I wish there was something I could say-"

"It's - I don't need you to say anything. Just - stay."

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm here, Shepard. I'm here."

The arms around his waist tighten, then pull him down to the seat beside him, hiding his face against Kaidan's neck as he starts to cry. It makes Kaidan’s heart ache and he holds him a little tighter, but maybe tears are for the best – god knows Shepard needs to release some of the tension that’s eating away at him. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to feel Shepard’s back shaking under his hands as he sobs, or the warmth of Shepard’s tears against his skin. Kaidan holds him, kisses his temple, whispers _I’m here, I'm here_ ; wishes he could do more.

Eventually the sobs quiet and his breathing becomes easier; his hold on Kaidan becomes less of a death grip.

And then he starts to talk. About the reapers - about the destruction of another world happening all around him. The helplessness and the fear and the anger, and it was all for nothing, all for fucking _nothing_.

"We'll find him," Kaidan says. "This assassin and the information. The Illusive Man - we'll find them. This isn't the end."

"It is for Thessia."

"No," Kaidan says, and gently pushes Shepard back so he can look him in the eye. It near breaks his heart, seeing him like that, glassy-eyed and as near to broken as Kaidan's ever seen him. But if Shepard's lost hope then it's Kaidan's job to give it back to him. That's what this is - that's what they are. Each other's support; each other's soft place to land. "It's not the end. Not for Thessia, not for Earth - not for any of us. It's the loss of one battle, Shepard. You're a soldier - you know that's not final."

"You didn't see it, Kaidan."

"No, but I saw Earth." Kaidan leans in, heat infusing his words as memories of his home being torn apart flicker, unwanted, across his mind. "And I know we're gonna kick the reapers the hell off of Earth, off of Thessia, off all our planets. And this Kai Leng guy –he’s not going to win."

Shepard sniffs and scrubs at his damp cheeks, reaching to grab a tissue and blow his nose. He glares at a patch of floor, hands curling into fists. "It feels like we’ve already lost."

"The battle, not the war," Kaidan reminds him, and Shepard pauses, worrying at his bottom lip as he thinks. His eyes lift to meet Kaidan’s, searching. Kaidan doesn’t know what for, but he holds Shepard’s gaze, reaches for his hand. "I’m here, Shepard. We’re all here. You’re not alone. I know it must feel that way sometimes, but you’re not. We’re all here for you."

"I- Yeah. You’re right. I know. But it was still my responsibility. I still feel-" He shakes his head. "I don’t know what I’m trying to say. It just – all those people, Kaidan. Dead, because I didn’t-"

"Because of the reapers," Kaidan says, and kisses him, because he doesn’t know what else to do, doesn't know how to combat this creeping despair. "Shepard – John-"

Shepard gives a broken laugh. "Wow. _John,_ huh?" A smile flickers over his face. "It must be bad for you to call me by my first name for the first time."

"Got your attention, didn’t it?"

The smile stabilises, still sad, but sincere. "Guess it did, K." He leans in to kiss him, light and lingering, and Kaidan tastes tears on Shepard’s lips. "Thank you. I still- But I feel better. Less broken."

"Not broken. A little bruised, maybe. A little battered. But not broken."

The smile quirks and Shepard meets his eyes. There’s warmth there now, behind the despair. "You’ve got a lot of faith in me, Major."

"Yeah, I do, Commander. With good reason." Another kiss, meeting each other in the middle. Slow and soft, simmering.

"Stay?" Shepard asks, his lips brushing Kaidan’s.

"Always." Because after all they've been through together - all they've been through apart - one certainty sings in Kaidan's blood: they're stronger together. "Always."

**Author's Note:**

> I noticed Kaidan says "Hey, there you are" in the goodbye in London as well as the awkward flirt scene, and decided it was Their Thing. And then this happened. 
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://raininginadelaide.tumblr.com)


End file.
